and thee I chuse
by Poltersprite
Summary: Jenny finds herself obsessed with Norse Mythology after the events of The Kill. She does some research and considers her options.
1. Jötnar

_Jötnar._ Jenny pondered the information on the page before her. The Shadow Men lived in Niflheim. The inhabitants of Niflheim were frost giants. Ergo. . . The Shadow Men were frost-giants. It didn't sound right, didn't jibe with what she'd seen of them. Of Julian. The name frost-giants brought to mind hundred feet tall lumbering beasts, covered in shards of ice. The Shadow Men seemed more like the sinister fey of old fairy tales. Cunning, duplicitious. . . dangerously sexual. Julian, at least, had seemed more like one of the fair folk than a. . . jötun. The two concepts were irreconcilable.

The nine worlds existed though. The Shadow Men could take on the guise — glamour — of the fair folk, as they had in Audrey's nightmare, but it was still just a disguise. They were giants.

As Jenny mentally wrestled with the implications of this, she realized the biggest inconsistency of all. _Hadn't the Frost Giants died already?_ She only vaguely remembered something she'd read in a world religions class. Something about the end of the world — worlds — and the purging of ice giants. She couldn't recall all of the details, and so she flicked through pages until she found a section dealing with Ragnarok.

After she'd read it, she was struck by a cold feeling in her gut. The frost-giants should have died with the end of the world, and after their deaths the world and the gods would be born anew. _Where were the gods?_ In all that time playing Julian's games, she had never once seen beings more powerful than the Shadow Men, nothing that could be construed as a god. The frost-giants were barely footnotes in Norse Mythology, overshadowed by the fearsome and bloodthirsty gods. What had happened to them? Had they ever existed in the first place?

It almost seemed like a tease. The monsters are definitely real, but the gods remain a mystery. The Norse gods weren't like the God her parents believe in. If the gods existed, Jenny would have seen some sign of them during the games. She hadn't, and so they couldn't _be_. It shouldn't have bothered her so much, and yet it did.

She returned to her book. She'd come upon a section discussing the theory that the gods were modeled after warriors who had became deified through ancestor worship. That could explain why they dominated everything she'd read, but hadn't appeared even once. Was it possible the Shadow Men were men once too?

Jenny pinched the bridge of her nose. She didn't know why she was doing this. Sitting in the middle of a library flipping through _Commentaries on the Works of Snorri_ , reexamining everything that had happened in one short month _._ Yes she did. She'd felt compelled to read up on Norse Mythology ever since Julian's death. Un-birth. She knew she wanted him back, and she knew what she had to do in order to make it happen.

It felt too deliberate though, carving his name back in the stave. If only she could pray to Hel to bring him back, or do something, anything, less _deliberate_ than carving his name back in the Stave. Because if she carved his name in, she would be responsible for the consequences. She knew he was dangerous, but he really had changed at the end there. She would — and had — fought for her other friends, why not fight for Julian? She had to bring him back.

She remembered the gnarled, deformed figures of the older Shadow Men she'd seen. She could sense their hate, the evil that lay within each of them, but also anger. Despair, maybe. She wanted him back, but she didn't want to subject him to the fate of the other Shadow Men. If she somehow got ahold of the stave, she could carve his name in, but then what? How long would he have before he succumbed to the same darkness? Would he grow to hate her? She couldn't bring him back, although. . .

He'd said the Shadow Men changed over time to reflect their inner selves, if he was no longer evil would he be spared that fate?

So many uncertainties, and the only person who could answer her questions was Julian. She rubbed the ring he'd given her, and thought about her options. She couldn't see a future where she'd be happier _without_ Julian. She could still enjoy life, but without him life would just be less. She took off the ring to feel the inside against her fingertips and imagined a new inscription.

 _I am my only master. . . and thee I chuse._

* * *

I wrote this after reading the wonderful fic "Snow & Cigarettes" by Aya, hosted on . I wondered how Jenny would really feel after the events of The Kill, and what might lead her to bring Julian back? In that fic she brings him back by wishing on a star, but I wondered what it would be like for Jenny to purposefully bring him back. This fic is also on Archive of Our Own under the username Electroll.

I was also motivated to write this after playing through the game Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice, which is also heavily inspired by Norse mythology. It's pretty good and I'd wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who loved The Forbidden Game.

I did some googling on Snorri Sturlson, the Edda, and The Sagas to get a better idea of Norse mythology (as it exists in our world), that being said I am definitely writing by the seat of my pants. If you happen to see an error, please feel free to correct me and I will edit the chapter to reflect this.

I am planning on continuing this (as you can probably tell by the tags) but I go to college next week so I'm not sure when I'll be able to update. I do have an outline for this story though, and because I tend to write shorter chapters it shouldn't take too long. I'd love to connect with other fans of L J Smith's work so please feel free to comment with any of your thoughts.


	2. Rolling the Bones

Rolling the Bones

A/N: Thank you to the person who reviewed the last chapter! The mythology was one of my favorite parts of the series and I definitely want to incorporate more of that.

Jenny's hands shook as she put her car in park. The building before her had high and imposing stone walls, and no windows. The sign at the front proclaimed it "The Convent", a pretty ironic name to give a witch's supply store. It seemed strangely appropriate though, given how austere the exterior appeared. She would just go in, look around, find some runes and leave. It would be that simple. But. . . what if owner wanted to know what she was planning to do with the runes? What if they didn't even have what she was looking for? Elder Futhark was old and obscure, new age Wiccans would probably prefer something more Celtic. Even if she happened to find them, shouldn't she make her own? She really shouldn't trust runes created by other people, what if the owner had put bad juju in them?

Jenny had just talked herself into leaving when she saw a girl leave the store. She seemed normal enough, and she was dressed like any other teenager Jenny had seen in Nevada. Jenny felt foolish, the owner was probably just as innocent as the girl that walked out. They wouldn't know what the runes meant, and she didn't have any reason to be afraid of them.

When she finally entered the store, Jenny couldn't help but notice that it felt strangely familiar. There was a beautiful girl with long black hair minding the register at the front desk, though she seemed to be preoccupied with drawing in a sketchbook. Jenny couldn't see the entire drawing from where it lay flat on the desk, but it seemed to be a piece of jewelry. To her left there were shelves covered in crystals and rocks of all sizes, shapes, and colors. Some of them seemed quite valuable, and she was surprised that the owner didn't keep some of them at the front desk instead. Behind the girl were a several empty pouches and satchets stuck to the side of boxes. Each had some manner of incense, herb, or flower, but Jenny couldn't understand why those would be behind the counter while precious gems were laying out in the open.

She noticed a door to her right, which seemed to lead to a much larger room. She could spend hours browsing through the oddities that lined the shelves, and she suddenly realized why the place had seemed so familiar. It reminded her of the More Games store, although considerably larger, it gave off the same air of ancient mystery and danger.

"You looking for something?" the girl at the register looked up at her. "You've been standing there for a pretty long time," she smirked.

Jenny's mouth went dry and she found herself stammering, "I um. . . I'd like some runes," she finished halfheartedly. The girl raised an eyebrow. "Uh. . . oh! Elder Futhark. That's what the runes should be in," she finished lamely. She was going to die of embarrassment before she checked out.

"What material are you looking for? We don't sell runes premade."

Jenny knew that she could hazard a guess, but with her luck she'd end up telling her to use the evil stone of cursing or something.

After a few few seconds of deliberation, she knew, "Bone."

The girl gave her a smile, but Jenny didn't feel any more at ease. She reached under the counter and brought up a container filled with bone chips of all shapes and sizes. They were pale, and the color reminded her of communion wafers.

"How many letters are there?"

"Twenty-four," Jenny felt relieved that the girl hadn't thrown her off balance this time. For what seemed like years the girl picked through the bone chips, looking for ones that would be suitable.

"You want them inlaid with anything?"

 _Oh fucking christ._ "No, no thank you, that won't be necessary." Jenny couldn't understand why this girl was messing with her.

When the girl had selected 24 chips, she placed the container back under the counter and gathered the chips into a pouch.

"Can I get a name?"

"Jay," Jenny answered confidently. She'd planned on using an alias before making the drive down so the question didn't faze her.

"Alright, and can I get an address? They should be ready in a week. That'll be twenty." _Finally, — wait what? If she mails them my parents will see it. . ._

The girl noticed the look on Jenny's face and sighed with mock exasperation. "Aunt Ursula's very busy," Jenny quirked an eyebrow at that: the store was empty, save the two of them. "It'll take a while for her to get around to sizing, etching, and polishing them, although," she let the word hang in the air, "I'm familiar enough with these runes that I could do them for you. It'll take me about an hour though. . . and another twenty."

 _Fine enough by me._ "Sounds great," and, because she didn't know what else to do, she went through the door to her right. She found all kinds of waxes, creams, candles, books, bottles, and several odds and ends she couldn't quite place. She walked slowly from shelf to shelf, mindful of the creaking floor, until she came to a corner filled with divination tools. She recognized the I Ching — Julian had once suggested it to her at More Games — along with dowsing rods, cups filled with sticks, stones, and bones, mirrors, and books. There was even a circular mat with a label on the bottom: _Gyromancy_. She definitely hadn't seen that before.

Jenny perused the various items, eventually picking up a book on how to interpret the future through the casting of lots. It had a section on runes and seemed to be the most useful item she could get without tipping off the girl about what she was really planning on doing. The divination idea was just a silly preoccupation of hers, something she'd picked up after stumbling across books on modern paganism. She didn't think even the most seasoned 'witch' could guess what she was really planning on using her research for, but it didn't hurt to be discreet.

She wandered back to the front desk to find the girl — _I really should learn her name —_ etching into the last bone chip. She finished, then held it up for Jenny's inspection.

"Uruz, for piercing the veil between the worlds."

The girl gave her a strange look. "No. Aurochs. Big dumb cattle. What kind of magic are you hoping to do with these?"

 _Oh no._ "Uh. . . I . . . um,"

The girl smirked. "Hmm. . . were you planning on staining these with blood?"

Jenny knew the look on her face was giving her away. She'd have to come up with something to throw her off.

". . . Yes." _Great job Jenny, just brilliant._

The girl held Jenny's gaze before shaking her head. "Just where did you learn this shit?" She rolled her eyes and made as if to put the runes back under the counter.

"Experience."

She narrowed her eyes, holding Jenny's gaze again. After a few tense moments, she put the pouch on the counter again. She tapped her fingernails against it. Once. twice. Heaved another dramatic sigh.

"I don't think you're lying, but you're getting yourself into some deep shit," she said as she scrawled something onto a piece of paper. "Here," she presented the paper, "is my email. If and _when_ you get yourself into something you can't get out of, message me," she finished with a sly smile.

Jenny fumbled as she paid for her items, trying not to say something that would give any more information away. She had a moment to breathe at last when she got to her car. She looked at the paper, and written in deliberate curly letters was the name 'Blaise'. _At least now I know her name._ It didn't matter though, what help could she possibly offer? Had she wanted to coordinate seances over AIM chat? Jenny allowed herself to laugh at the thought. She had what she came for, and it was a long drive home.

* * *

This chapter is brought to you by that feeling I get whenever I walk into a Lush. I always got the feeling that even if L. J. Smith's various books didn't take place in the same universe they were at least compatible with each other. I also remembered that Spellbinder took place in Nevada and The Forbidden Game is in SoCal. I'm not sure of the distances, but I figured it was plausible that Ursula's house was close enough to justify Jenny going there. Ursula was also described as being more sympathetic towards humans, and I thought this would reflect on her shop being more human-friendly, and I also figured that her attitudes might rub off on Blaise a little.

This chapter title was inspired by the Fritz Lieber short story "Gonna Roll the Bones".


	3. Mannaz

Jenny examined the runes one by one. They seemed so innocuous now that she had the time to examine them, and the runes almost seemed to disappear unless the chips were in the right lighting. She briefly considered staining them with blood, then decided against it. As it was now, if her parents ever saw them she could pretend she was interested in learning ancient languages — all the while praying that they couldn't remember the books her grandfather had in his basement. If they walked in on her with blood stained runes trying to divine her future they might make her go to a psych.

They'd been concerned enough lately, hovering over her constantly, and they hadn't even known what was going on. They could tell Jenny had changed and she didn't want to worry them any more than she already had. She'd already resolved to wait until they went out of town again to search through her grandfather's things where they were stored in the basement.

Halfheartedly, Jenny swirled the cup and tossed the runes onto her bedsheets. It didn't seem right though. She would have to examine and interpret each individual rune and how it related to her life. She'd learned enough about confirmation bias to know that she'd probably just end up reading what she wanted into it. But. . . what if she just chose one? It would be far easier to see how the rune fit into her life — rather than fitting her life to the rune — if she could pick just one.

She gathered the runes back into the cup and fished around until she had one in her hands that feltright. She withdrew it from the cup and looked at its face: _Mannaz_. Mankind. Now to figure out how it applied to her situation. If she brought back Julian would he be a human? Was he still a danger to mankind? Maybe it was telling her that another person was involved with the Shadow Men? She pinched the bridge of her nose. This was silly, she'd seen real magic before and using runes like this was not it. She was willing to accept whatever the consequences were, and she'd considered all of these questions before. Better to just let it go and focus on what she _could_ do.

First, she would want to to go through the boxes in the attic and find her grandfather's research. She would want to aggregate as much information as possible before attempting to bring Julian back. Second: she'd have to retrieve the runestave. . . somehow. That was the fuzziest part of the whole plan. The last time she'd seen the stave, it had been in the hands of the Shadow Man who'd cut Julian's name out. She was going to avoid contacting any Shadow Men if she could help it, but she would have to get the runestave one way or another. After that she would summon Julian and then. . . and then? It seemed so far away that there was no point in planning past that.

The entire situation was too much to handle for her alone, she needed to talk to someone else. In the end she didn't even have to make a conscious decision to call Dee. They'd known each other the longest out of all of her friends, save Zach. She still couldn't look at him the same ever since Julian had pretended to be him during the first game. Audrey would likely be busy with Michael, and though she and Tom had an amicable relationship despite having broken up she wouldn't dream of asking him for help bringing Julian back. Dee, though, had always understood her in a way the others couldn't. Even at the end of the first game, she had been the only one who knew Jenny wouldn't leave them willingly.

Dee and Aba were delighted to see Jenny, and she felt tears prick her eyes as they each hugged her in turn. It had only been a few weeks since she'd talked to everybody, but it had taken a toll she hadn't even realized.

"It's good to see you!" Dee smiled at her, "So what have you been up to?"

* * *

Thank you to the people who have reviewed my story so far, I really appreciate it. To be honest I hadn't expected to get any views at all and it was really reassuring to get a response. I wish there was a way to directly reply to reviews and I would love to discuss LJ Smith's work with other fans, so I'll be updating my profile soon to add social media and my ao3 username in order to make that easier. I'm at college now and I have a pretty heavy workload, which is why it took me so long to upload this chapter. There are 9 weeks left in the term, but I anticipate writing another chapter before that.


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